I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
