I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
