now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I am never drinking with the goths again.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
