I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
