I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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