i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
