lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Randomize
