Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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