I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
