I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
