The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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