why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
