I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
