And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
