So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize