I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
