She's JV to your varsity
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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