I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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