Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
