I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
