we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
