CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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