Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
