On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
