I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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