you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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