Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Oh god it's open bar.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
