What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize