omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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