I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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