you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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