she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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