oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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