Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
