just tell him i said nine months
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize