Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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