I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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