Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
