dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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