Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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