My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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