Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
