3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
