what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Randomize
