Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
