Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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