i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
