I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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