Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
