Even the bartender felt bad for me
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize