I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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