Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
