sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
