i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
