saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
