You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Ladies don't puke and tell
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
