oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
