i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize