Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize