Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
