the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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